Tim Walz Admits to Being a “Knucklehead,” Swears on Everything He Holds Dear That He’s Not a Closeted Gay Man, and LOVES WOMEN (Seriously, He Does)
In a press conference that had more red flags than a communist parade, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz stunned the political world by addressing, with alarming intensity, an issue that no one had even raised: his undeniable attraction to women.
“I’m a knucklehead,” Walz began, nervously adjusting his glasses and smoothing down his polo shirt, which had inexplicably been chosen as his “I’m totally heterosexual” outfit. “I admit it. I’ve made some mistakes. Maybe I’ve said some things. Maybe I’ve done some things. But I am NOT a closeted gay man! And I just need you all to know that—really know that. I mean, c’mon, I’m as straight as a ruler!”
Walz’s tone was one of fierce, almost manic conviction, as he overcompensated in what appeared to be a desperate attempt to convince anyone within earshot that he, indeed, had absolutely no interest in men—only women. So many women.
“LOOK, I LOVE WOMEN, OKAY?!”
The governor went on, “I don’t know why people are even talking about this. I’ve been with women—A LOT of women. I’ve dated women. I’ve gone on dates where I, like, looked at women and thought, Whoa, she’s hot.”
As he said this, he began awkwardly recounting a long list of famous women—names that clearly meant nothing to him, but were included purely for emphasis. “You know, like Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, Marie Curie—yeah, totally into Marie Curie. And Cleopatra, okay? Seriously. I love women! Did I say that already? I LOVE WOMEN. Just, like, lots of women, okay?”
“I LOVE WOMEN SO MUCH, I CAN’T EVEN”
It quickly became clear that Walz’s excessive rebuttals were only amplifying the very thing he was trying to deny. A reporter gently asked, “Governor, could you clarify why you’re—”
“I’M NOT GAY!” he interrupted, eyes wide and voice cracking. “I’m not! I’m just… confused! OKAY?! This isn’t even about me being a ‘knucklehead,’ alright? Let’s focus on the real issue here! Women. Women are what matter! I’ve even been to strip clubs. Like, a lot. Strip clubs, people! I’ve never been to a single… male strip club. Have you seen Channing Tatum in Magic Mike? No, I haven’t, because I’m not interested. I’m into the ladies!”
At this point, Walz’s attempts to backpedal took an even more bizarre turn. He quickly launched into an explanation of his supposed “manly” qualities, highlighting how his deep voice, fondness for sports, and ability to grow facial hair were proof of his heterosexuality. “Just look at me!” he said, pointing to his scruffy chin. “This is a man’s beard. You don’t get this kind of beard by being… well, not into women. You just don’t!”
“LOOK AT MY WIFE!”
The governor then invited the press to take a good, hard look at his wife, who was reportedly sitting in the audience, quietly flipping through a magazine. “You see her? Yeah, that’s right. She’s beautiful. You can’t fake this kind of love! We’ve been together for over 20 years. Do you think she’s been fooled by a man who isn’t obsessed with her? I don’t think so! I can’t even stress enough how into her I am. I mean, we went on a romantic vacation to Cancun… and I loved it! Not the tacos—her, okay? HER!”
When one reporter gently asked, “But sir, the public’s curiosity comes from—”
“STOP,” Walz shouted, his face flushed, eyes darting back and forth like a man who had just lost a game of poker with his own anxieties. “I’m not gay, alright? And I’m definitely not a ‘closeted’ gay man. I’ve never been in a closet, except maybe that one time I had to hide from a squirrel in the garage, and even then, the door was wide open! Women, okay? W. O. M. E. N. They are my thing.”
“PROOF” OF HETEROSEXUALITY
Walz then went on to provide “proof” of his heterosexuality, holding up photos of himself at a tailgate party in a Vikings jersey, passionately discussing the intricacies of BBQ sauce with a woman who was “definitely a woman, not a guy” (he pointed this out). “Look, she’s holding a hot dog,” Walz said, completely ignoring the possibility that someone might think the hot dog was part of an elaborate subtext. “It’s a hot dog! And we were talking about sports—real sports. Football! Not… I don’t know… something gay, like soccer.”
“THESE ARE ALL WOMEN, PEOPLE”
The governor then handed out a stack of personal photographs, each one containing a different woman, which he claimed was further evidence of his preferences. “Look at her! She’s clearly a woman. She’s holding a pumpkin. It’s a fall festival, people! And here, look—this is me and a different woman at a coffee shop, and we’re laughing about something! This is the proof! I’m as straight as a straight line drawn with a ruler by someone who is totally, without a doubt, straight.”
In an attempt to close the press conference with dignity, Walz concluded, “So yeah, I’m not gay. I’m definitely not closeted. I’m just a guy who loves women, okay? Women.” He slammed the podium, looking around for validation.
As the press shuffled out of the room, some reporters were seen exchanging glances, wondering if the proof was, in fact, the most convincing argument yet—or if Governor Walz was simply one knucklehead away from a full-on crisis.
