In a press conference this morning, California Governor Gavin Newsom addressed his recent “discovery” of Los Angeles’ Skid Row while touring downtown in a tailored designer suit, latte in hand. A visibly stunned Newsom issued a formal statement revealing that, until his recent walk through LA’s neglected streets, he had “no idea it was this bad” for the state’s homeless population.
“I was horrified,” Newsom began. “Honestly, I didn’t think I was in America. Why are these homeless people so poor? Why are they occupying empty buildings unlawfully in a city as large as Los Angeles?”
The governor went on to express dismay over the “foreign-seeming levels of poverty” that he encountered, a shock he likened to “visiting a third-world country.” Newsom, who spent much of his political career in the comparatively manicured streets of San Francisco, admitted that his prior views on homelessness had been “shaped by what I see in the Bay Area,” where, he added, “people know how to blend into the scene a little better.”
“San Francisco has its challenges,” Newsom conceded, “but we at least have artisanal tent vendors and a community composting program. This was just…chaotic. I kept asking myself, ‘Where are the farm-to-table food trucks? Where are the organic community gardens?’”
In response to his new understanding of Southern California’s homeless crisis, Newsom announced an ambitious plan to de-annex all of Southern California from the rest of the state and “let Mexico handle the situation.”
“This isn’t a decision I make lightly,” Newsom stated solemnly. “But I have come to the conclusion that Northern California, with its pristine parks, balanced micro-climates, and exclusive zip codes, should no longer have to carry the burden of these issues. Effective immediately, I am working with the legislature to de-annex Southern California and cede it to Mexico. We wish them the best.”
Newsom reassured any Hollywood residents who may be distressed by this change, particularly actors, directors, and musicians who have received awards within the last five years.
“Rest assured, we will be providing alternative housing arrangements in Northern California for any qualifying award winners who do not wish to reside in the newly ceded territory,” he announced. “It’s important that our artistic community is shielded from the effects of this necessary transition. We will find them homes near the Napa Valley vineyards, the exclusive communities of Marin, or in the luxury towers of San Francisco. But not, of course, in the parts of town where people…well, make things uncomfortable.”
The governor also took the opportunity to address any business owners worried about potential fallout from the plan. “Northern California’s economy will remain strong,” he stated confidently. “We’ll continue producing the microbrews, startups, and subscription box services that make our state what it is. In fact, the tech industry in San Francisco is already working on a mobile app that allows former Southern Californians to participate in virtual California, for a modest monthly fee.”
When asked if he plans to return to Los Angeles or Skid Row in the future, Newsom shook his head. “It’s important to take swift, decisive action and then move on,” he said. “I have my responsibilities in the north, after all.”
Despite the governor’s assurance that the situation is under control, reactions have been mixed. However, Newsom remains unfazed. “Look, it’s time Southern California stops expecting handouts. This is the Bay Area’s standard of living we’re talking about. It’s nothing personal—it’s just that we up here have a higher caliber of latte.”
