Don Lemon Departs X: News at 11… Oh Wait, Nobody’s Watching
In the grand tradition of people announcing their own over-hyped departures as if they were geopolitical events, Don Lemon announced his official exit from social media platform X after 16 long, harrowing years. Because how else would the masses go on with their lives unless they knew Don Lemon had finally decided to log off?
And, of course, Lemon couldn’t simply deactivate his account in quiet obscurity. Instead, he took to X to unleash a monologue fit for an Academy Award speech, punctuated with heart emojis and heartfelt thanks to his followers. One couldn’t help but feel that in some other universe, somewhere, violins were playing in solidarity. “It’s time for me to step away,” he tweeted. “I’ve given this platform my all, but now, I need to focus on what’s next.”
Sources close to Lemon sighed and confirmed, “He always does this.” Friends recall that Don has never left a bar without first making sure everyone within a three-block radius knew he was “about to head out in 10 minutes.” “I mean, really, he’ll do a full lap around the room, kiss some cheeks, shake some hands, then wait by the door to make sure nobody feels under-appreciated by his absence,” a longtime friend revealed. “It’s always a full production with him.”
The farewell tweet was met with a flurry of reactions ranging from “Who’s Don Lemon?” to “Are you leaving already?” which no doubt left Lemon feeling bittersweet. The drama, however, left his followers puzzled. “Does he really think I was refreshing his page to see his next take on, I don’t know, brunch or something?” one X user commented.
The sentiment seemed to echo louder among others who have observed a certain trend: Democrats, it seems, never leave a platform without a drawn-out farewell tour. Whether it’s Instagram, Twitter, or their morning coffee shop, each exit is a momentous occasion that demands an entire thread. Indeed, one observer quipped, “They say goodbye more times than your mom on the phone at Christmas.”
Of course, Lemon had his obligatory list of thank-yous to the “beautiful souls” he encountered on the platform, even if most of those interactions boiled down to correcting people on his opinions or blocking people he disagreed with. “This isn’t goodbye forever, it’s just goodbye for now,” he tweeted, before dropping a suspiciously vague, “More to come.” One can only guess this refers to yet another platform he’ll join, announce his presence on, and later depart with equal fanfare.
“Look, it’s classic Don,” a friend added with a shrug. “He lives for the exit as much as he does for the entrance. You’re talking about a guy who announced his departure from Snapchat. Snapchat.”
As Lemon prepares to move on to “focus on other things,” the general consensus online seemed to be that the earth would keep spinning. If Don needs reassurance that we’re all devastated, perhaps the platform could make an emoji in his honor. But otherwise, it’s safe to say that this news is headed straight into the archives of irrelevance.
