Donald Trump Taps G.I. Joe for Secretary of Defense: “The Pentagon Needs a Real American Hero”
Mar-a-Lago, FL – In a move that left political pundits and toy enthusiasts equally baffled, Donald Trump announced that he will no longer consider Fox News personality Pete Hegseth for Secretary of Defense. Instead, he’s nominating “none other than” G.I. Joe, the 12-inch-tall action figure, to lead the Pentagon.
“This country needs a real American hero,” Trump declared at a press conference held in front of a life-sized cardboard cutout of G.I. Joe, who appeared stoic as ever. “Pete Hegseth is great, don’t get me wrong, but Joe has been on the frontlines of every war we’ve ever had. Vietnam, Desert Storm, Operation Enduring Freedom—you name it, he’s been there. He’s got a perfect track record, folks.”
Pete Hegseth’s Hooters Meltdown
The decision to drop Pete Hegseth, once a frontrunner for the position, came amid a swirl of controversy. Reports surfaced that Hegseth had been cut off at a local Hooters after downing one too many pints of Michelob Ultra. According to witnesses, Hegseth began referring to the waitstaff as “Sugar Tits” while attempting to deliver what he described as a “motivational speech” about patriotism.
“He kept slamming his hand on the table and yelling, ‘Do you even know what I’ve done for this country?’” said one anonymous waitress. “At first, we thought he was just being Pete, but then he tried to climb onto a stool to demonstrate ‘proper flag-folding technique’ and nearly took out the jukebox.” The restaurant manager confirmed that Hegseth was asked to leave after he insisted on “reenacting D-Day with a plate of buffalo wings.”
The incident reportedly reached Trump, who commented, “Pete’s a good guy, but we can’t have Sugar Tits gate overshadowing the mission. The Pentagon needs discipline, and G.I. Joe doesn’t drink—or talk.”
“A Decorated Career in Battle”
Critics were quick to point out that G.I. Joe is, in fact, a plastic toy manufactured by Hasbro. However, Trump’s team fired back, citing “extensive war experience” that could not be matched by any living nominee. “Joe’s résumé speaks for itself,” said Trump. “He’s fought Cobra Command, wrestled with ninjas, and parachuted into countless hostile zones. He’s unbreakable—literally, because he’s made of military-grade polymer.”
Sources inside Mar-a-Lago report that Trump was swayed after watching an old G.I. Joe cartoon and declaring, “This guy gets it!” One anonymous aide claims Trump was impressed by Joe’s ability to “always win the day, no matter how bad things look.”
“Joe has never lost a battle,” said the former president. “Not once! And when was the last time you saw Lloyd Austin riding a tank? I mean, come on, folks.”
The Transition Plan
When asked how the tiny action figure plans to manage the Department of Defense, Trump explained that Joe would “assemble a crack team” of similarly sized specialists, including Barbie as Chief of Staff and Optimus Prime as head of the Joint Chiefs. “It’s going to be the greatest team ever,” Trump boasted. “We’ll have all the best toys—uh, I mean, patriots—on our side.”
Inside sources say plans are already underway to outfit Joe with a miniature Bluetooth headset so he can command troops directly from Trump’s golf cart.
Critics and Supporters Weigh In
The announcement has sparked controversy, with some questioning Joe’s ability to lead due to his physical limitations, including a lack of actual joints and his inability to stand upright without assistance. “He can’t even salute!” tweeted one detractor.
Others, however, were more optimistic. “It’s about time we had someone who really understands the concept of ‘boots on the ground,’” said one Trump supporter. “Even if those boots are molded into his feet.”
Hasbro, the company that manufactures G.I. Joe, issued a cautious statement, saying, “While we appreciate the nomination, G.I. Joe was not designed for administrative roles. However, we fully support his commitment to serving the nation.”
Joe Responds to Critics
In an exclusive interview conducted via an interpreter (Trump himself), Joe was asked how he would handle pressing global issues. “Cobra has taught me one thing: never negotiate with villains,” Trump said in a gruff voice, pretending to speak for Joe. “I’ll bring the same energy to dealing with China, Russia, and CNN.”
When asked if he was intimidated by the challenge, Joe reportedly answered by staring unblinkingly into the middle distance—a move some described as “eerily inspiring.”
The Senate Hearing Awaits
Confirmation hearings for G.I. Joe are expected to be a circus, with Senators likely to grill the nominee on everything from his inexperience in budgeting to his inability to move without human assistance. Nevertheless, Trump remains confident.
“G.I. Joe is a winner,” Trump concluded. “He’s got what it takes to lead our military into the future—or at least onto the shelves of every patriotic household. We’re making history, folks!”
As of press time, G.I. Joe could not be reached for comment, but sources close to him say he’s “ready to serve” and already practicing his salute in front of a tiny mirror.
