Opinion: Why Voter ID is Clearly an Unworkable Nightmare

Opinion: Why Voter ID is Clearly an Unworkable Nightmare

By Robbie Bawls – Senior Analyst, Institute of Obvious Facts

Every election cycle, someone inevitably suggests that we implement voter ID as a means to “protect democracy.” But here’s the thing: while it sounds simple, Voter ID is an absolute logistical quagmire. And, as a citizen deeply concerned about making democracy as convoluted as possible, I feel it’s my duty to lay out all the reasons why requiring identification at the polls is clearly too much to ask.

1. People Might Have to Carry ID.

This one’s a doozy. Asking people to carry identification is downright outrageous. Wallets are already crammed with receipts from 2015, half a dozen coffee punch cards, and at least three expired coupons. Where on earth are they supposed to fit a government-issued ID? And don’t get me started on people who wear yoga pants—no pockets! You can’t expect voters to hold an ID while balancing a kombucha in one hand and an acai bowl in the other.

2. Finding Your ID on Election Day Is Practically a Treasure Hunt.

You know what it’s like trying to find something important in your house, like your tax return or your birth certificate? Adding voter ID to that list would create an entire generation of amateur archaeologists. Most people would end up digging through drawers, finding things like old batteries, mystery keys, and cassette tapes they forgot they owned. Voter ID would create a nation of frustrated voters muttering, “I know it’s here somewhere…” at 6 a.m. on Election Day.

3. Photos Are Highly Inconvenient

Let’s be real: nobody looks good in their ID photo. Implementing voter ID laws would mean that millions of people are forced to show a document where they look like a cross between a raccoon and a sleep-deprived owl. Forcing someone to expose their awkward, washed-out driver’s license photo to a poll worker on Election Day is a violation of the Geneva Convention—or at least it should be.

4. Do You Know How Many Different IDs Exist?

Some people have passports, some have driver’s licenses, some have university IDs, and some people just hold on to their old Blockbuster cards for sentimental reasons. What if a poll worker accidentally mistakes a voter’s library card for valid ID? Then what? And what about people who’ve taken it upon themselves to create laminated “VIP” cards for themselves at the local bowling alley? This kind of ID chaos is precisely why we can’t have nice things.

5. The Risk of “The Dog Ate My ID” Incidents

If we require voter ID, we’re opening the door to thousands—maybe millions—of tragic “dog ate my ID” incidents. People would need to replace chewed-up IDs daily, leading to widespread heartbreak. And while we’re at it, let’s not ignore the cats who sit on IDs, making them impossible to retrieve. Is this really what we want for democracy?

6. Remembering ID on Election Day? Please.

Let’s face it, remembering your ID on Election Day is like trying to remember your grandmother’s birthday without Facebook reminders. Most of us struggle to remember where we parked our car, our Netflix password, or whether we turned the oven off. If we start requiring people to remember one more thing, we risk an unprecedented epidemic of “I forgot my ID at home” excuses, resulting in lines, chaos, and endless complaints from our nation’s forgetful citizens.

7. The Burden on Wallet Technology

If we expect voters to carry an ID, we’d need to research, develop, and issue new wallets with ID-carrying capabilities. Sure, we could technically carry IDs in our existing wallets, but that’s a lot of weight to carry around. Could our wallets handle the strain? Should they be reinforced? Should the government fund new wallets for all citizens? These are important questions. Voter ID is an unnecessary burden on American wallets and the people who make them.

8. Who Needs ID Anyway?

People don’t need ID for anything. Sure, you need it to drive, travel, buy certain over-the-counter medications, and enroll in school, but those are just trivial parts of everyday life. Democracy, on the other hand, is important! Requiring ID for voting would make it seem like casting a ballot is as serious as…well, boarding a plane or renting a car. And we all know it’s far too simple for that!

9. Lost-and-Found Lines Will Be Outrageous

Imagine the pandemonium of voters losing IDs at the polling place. We’d need entire “lost-and-found” departments at every polling location, complete with agents who’d have to decide which lost items qualify as “emergency voter ID replacements.” Eventually, someone would try to vote with an ID scribbled in crayon on a napkin. The lines would be longer than at the DMV on a Monday morning!

10. Election Day Is Already Busy Enough

On Election Day, people are busy updating social media, posting about standing in line, and texting friends about how “long the lines are at the polls.” Adding “showing an ID” into this already-packed schedule could tip the scales into utter chaos. People might miss out on valuable time that could be used to take selfies with “I Voted” stickers. How much more are we going to ask of our citizens?

Conclusion: Let’s Just Skip This Idea

In short, while some people think voter ID sounds simple, they clearly haven’t thought through the full implications. The risks to our wallets, our social lives, and our capacity to remember one more thing on Election Day are far too high. Let’s stick to the basics and keep voting as ID-free as a Tuesday at the drive-thru window. Anything more, and we risk total societal collapse.

And that, my friends, is a risk we simply cannot afford.