Canada Debates Border Wall to Curb Influx of Kamala Harris Fans and Other American Migrants
Ottawa, Canada—In an unexpected twist on border politics, members of Canada’s parliament have begun a spirited debate on constructing a border wall along the 5,525-mile boundary with the United States. The reason? A record-breaking migration surge, fueled by what officials describe as “wave after wave” of American Kamala Harris supporters seeking political asylum.
The debate began as Canada’s customs officers reported an increase in Americans “walking straight across the border” into the country’s snowy landscape. Many of them, according to sources, were wearing “The Future is Female” hoodies, clutching Harris 2024 signs, and inquiring about Canadian healthcare and tax rates.
“Every day, more Americans arrive claiming they need refuge from…whatever is happening down there,” said Minister of Public Safety Christopher Harrington. “While Canada prides itself on tolerance and maple syrup, there’s a limit. We can’t just open our igloos to everyone who suddenly decides they need a reprieve from Fox News.”
In a hastily called session, the parliamentary debate saw surprising agreement across party lines.
“The numbers are overwhelming,” claimed Conservative MP and border wall advocate Janet Fitzpatrick. “We thought we’d see a steady flow of American tourists. Instead, we’re facing a tsunami of progressives asking us how to say ‘inclusive’ in French.”
The wave began with die-hard Kamala Harris supporters who, upon seeing their favored politician’s approval ratings slipping, “just couldn’t take it anymore,” as one asylum-seeker from Portland, Oregon, explained. But Harris’s base is not alone. They’ve been joined by millennials demanding an end to the electoral college, dog-walkers worried about climate change, and several ex-Californians who just wanted a place where they didn’t have to pay $17 for avocado toast.
At first, the government responded by increasing funding for Tim Hortons near the border, hoping a cup of double-double would gently convince Americans to turn back. But as news of the plan spread, so did the number of determined entrants. “We knew we needed something stronger than donuts and politeness,” admitted a beleaguered Harrington.
The wall proposal has, however, sparked spirited opposition. Liberal MP Margie LaFlamme argued that “Canada has long been known as a safe haven for the politically bewildered, whether that was in 1812, or now.” The Green Party’s response has been to propose a “natural” wall of recycled Canadian snow, which they promised to replenish each winter. In the meantime, MP Hugh MacGowan introduced a bill offering a “welcoming pamphlet” that lists important Canadian words like “toque” and “Timbit.”
However, the wall’s advocates are determined. “We have a right to protect our borders,” said Fitzpatrick, clutching a model of the proposed 15-foot-high, 3000-mile-long wall made of repurposed hockey sticks. “This isn’t about hating Kamala Harris supporters, it’s about standing strong for Canadian values. If we don’t, the next thing you know, they’ll be asking us to watch Rachel Maddow reruns with them.”
At press time, the Trudeau administration was said to be “considering all options,” including a massive, polite email campaign to encourage “our American friends” to “enjoy all that America has to offer…in America.”
