Local Man Cuts Off Own Genitalia in Symbolic Protest of Democracy
Springfield, USA – In an act that’s redefining what it means to take “passionate opposition” a bit too far, local man Frank Teller reportedly chopped off his own penis in protest of the recent election results, saying he could no longer “bear the burden of democracy.”
Teller, a 34-year-old artist and self-described activist, claims he was devastated by the election outcome, feeling so personally let down by the democratic process that he decided only a dramatic, irreversible act could fully capture his disillusionment. “I’ve always believed in democracy,” Teller stated. “But when I saw those numbers, I realized democracy was a betrayal—of my feelings, of my principles, of my very being. So I made the only rational choice: I cut off my junk.”
Friends say Teller was always an “intense” political observer, but few could have predicted he’d take things to this extreme. Neighbors recalled seeing him sulking around his apartment complex in recent days, muttering to himself about “democracy’s fatal flaws.” One neighbor, who asked to remain anonymous, recalled overhearing him declare, “The founding fathers didn’t cut off their genitals, and look what happened to us now.”
Experts were quick to weigh in, with Dr. Linda Cartwright, a political psychologist, noting, “It’s not uncommon for people to feel very strongly about politics. But we typically recommend channeling those emotions into actions like voting, volunteering, or even passionate social media posting. Self-mutilation is rarely on the list of therapeutic options.”
In his public statement, Teller said he felt particularly let down by the system’s “inability to understand him personally” and declared that “if democracy wants me to lose, then it can live with the consequences of my…loss.” He admitted he isn’t entirely sure what those consequences are but is confident they’re symbolic.
“He’s always been a little dramatic about these things,” his brother Paul said. “Back in 2016, he tried to stage a hunger strike by eating only expired granola bars, which he claimed symbolized the ‘rotting core of democracy.’ Now he’s gone and done something I think he might actually regret.”
Teller’s story has ignited a heated debate among political theorists. Some argue that he represents the fragility of modern political engagement. Others believe he is an “extreme outlier,” a cautionary tale about the dangers of taking politics a little too personally.
“Democracy is about sacrifice,” Teller concluded in his statement, though it’s not clear if this was meant to be literal. When asked if he planned to register to vote again in future elections, he simply grimaced and said, “No comment.”
